Last night was horrible for me, emotionally painful and scary. I haven't felt suicidal in 5 years but it came back last night with a vengeance. It started a very emotional day as it was and I think all those emotions and every event just snow balled into each other and lead into a panic attack.
I called my husband at 5pm when I was leaving a client's house (yes I managed to see a client) I couldn't fight it anymore, I was lost, hopeless, drowning in depression and crying… I was lonely. I told him I just can't do it anymore. I can't be a mom, I can't be a wife, Im a horrible friend, (my best friend is upset with me) I guess I should also point out that my husband and I were fighting that day as well.. so I felt doubly rejected when I needed people the most and I had NO ONE. Who can or do you to turn too when the two most important people in your life won't talk too you and you want to die?? They are suppose to be the ones who talk you out of it.. but I had no one. So I felt ok.. no one will care I can do it this time. The boys will be fine, They can live with grandma and be happy as clams, no more crazy mom who yells or cries all the time.
I managed to get home without driving off a bridge or crashing into a light pole and I just collapsed onto the floor and lost it. Crying, shaking, couldn't breathe, I felt I was dying (panic attack) My husband held me. When You have a panic attack and someone you love is near have them hold you EXTREMELY tight.. it helps make the panic attack go away faster.
I managed to calm down enough and I called my Psychologist who advised me to take my anxiety and sleep meds to basically calm my nerves and knock my ass out for the night. I will be seeing her first thing this morning. She said if that didn't work I needed to get my butt to the hospital and she would meet me there. Thankful with the help of my husband, her and the meds I am still home and doing better this morning. I am still very frail this morning and feeling on edge but all in all ok.
The reason I wanted to share this with ALL of you is because I know so many people suffer from type of mental illness and want to commit suicide. Thousands of people commit suicide all the time. Please don't let yourself self destruct. If you ever feel the way I did.. GET HELP! Don't be alone.. being alone is the worst possible thing you can do.. you need to be WITH others who can keep an eye on you. Or if you can't be with others please go immediately to the ER and admit yourself. Don't give into the demons in your head.. You are a warrior who has to keep fighting! Your story isn't over yet! It may seem really really bad… but it won't last forever!
This too shall pass…..
Much Love as always!
BIPOLAR DIVA
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