I am currently seeing two doctors One is a Psychologist and one is a Psychiatrist. The psychiatrist has prescribed SEVEN medications. Really?! I feel like every time I open my cabinet I run a pharmacy. I really feel like its beginning to take a toll on me. I am drowsy non stop, I just want to sleep every single day, all day long. I have noticed that I am gaining weight and also crying over every little thing. There is no in between with my emotions. I can get a compliment and I will immediately start bawling my eyes out.
Since starting this new medication I have seen my psychologist twice on emergency visits and I have almost needed to go to the hospital not once but twice due to panic attacks/suicidal thoughts. So I ask… How is this medication helping? I am feeling so defeated and run down. Is this my life? Is this how I am destined to live, non stop rages, non stop crying, non stop sleeping, non stop wanting to die? How could someone not want to kill themselves dealing with that 24/7? I am trying to be strong for the sake of my two little boys because I know they need a mother, but lets be real how much of a mother am I being right now? Constant yelling, constant crying, almost being admitted twice. This is NOT the mother I want to be. I wish I had a fairy godmother who could wave her magic wand and bippity boppity boo this shit gone! ALL of it. So I could just be normal. I haven't been normal in so many years I don't even know what it feels like anymore.
I have realized this is too much. I have an appt with my Psychiatrist this morning to seriously sit down and talk about this pharmacy of medications Im on. It's apparent they aren't working and I need something else, before A) I end up in the hospital or B) I try to commit suicide. They need to take this seriously. A person can only take so much of something before we break.
I know I need a service dog and we are on the ball with that and getting all the paperwork done, maybe my life will be better with the aide of the Psychiatric dog, but please pray or send positive thoughts about my medications. My poor brain has been through enough.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Hey Strangers.. and Fellow Insomniacs
It's been so long since I have had the chance to write! I have been so busy with work, being a mom and just..LIFE. Once again I am suffering from insomnia tonight and unfortunately feeling like Im getting a cold. =( Which is the LAST thing on earth I need right now, considering I just got over a cold about a month ago. Another thing that makes it really crappy is that my 6 month old is sick too. It seems we got sick at the exact same time. (Go Figure) So not only am I not feeling good and tossing and turning from body aches, but I can't sleep on top of it.
So I figured I would check in and write a blog! I need to get back into the habit of writing again I have missed it. If you're reading this blog right now.. yes YOU.. join it! I need more followers to spread awareness about bipolar and how we CAN live with it and overcome our really low days. It would be SO much more exciting if I was sitting in the dark, with insomnia writing a blog with hundreds of followers. I dream of that day. I want nothing more than to help others and be a beacon in your storms. You aren't alone in your battles.. people all around the world are going through their own. We need to stand together and become an army.. be WARRIORS and defeat mental illness as a whole.
With that said it's time I try to get to sleep before my wee one wakes up for a bottle.
Be back soon my friends! Until then…
Be your own WARRIOR!
So I figured I would check in and write a blog! I need to get back into the habit of writing again I have missed it. If you're reading this blog right now.. yes YOU.. join it! I need more followers to spread awareness about bipolar and how we CAN live with it and overcome our really low days. It would be SO much more exciting if I was sitting in the dark, with insomnia writing a blog with hundreds of followers. I dream of that day. I want nothing more than to help others and be a beacon in your storms. You aren't alone in your battles.. people all around the world are going through their own. We need to stand together and become an army.. be WARRIORS and defeat mental illness as a whole.
With that said it's time I try to get to sleep before my wee one wakes up for a bottle.
Be back soon my friends! Until then…
Be your own WARRIOR!
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Make time for YOU
Life can get busy, and hectic and fall into a pattern and a schedule. One thing you have to remember is you need a break. You need YOU time. You need to to rejuvenate not only your body but your mind as well. Especially if you are suffering from some type of mood disorder its good every now and then to just let your brain relax and calm down.
In your YOU time you can go to Barnes and noble, get a coffee and read a book, get a massage, get your nails done, or hair cut. Even doing something to better your physical appearance will make your self esteem sky rocket! You could even take a nap, play in the park with your pup. Whatever you do.. just make sure it's what YOU want to do. We all get so lost in the hustle bustle of real life work and home life we always forget to just make sure we are taken care of and that our needs are met.
If you are too the point you are taking on too much and feeling completely overwhelmed take a step back, evaluate your situation. Don't take on too many tasks that will drown you mentally and emotionally. It will NOT help you in anyway, it will only make it worse. Pace yourself and do what workload feels comfortable for you and ONLY you. Don't compare yourself or worry yourself with anyone else. Life isn't a competition.
What Im trying to say is.. pace your work load, make time for you in between so you can recharge your mental battery and have YOU time! Don't wear yourself so thin to the point of a breakdown. Stop it before it even starts. You have the power to do that.
Now go start making a list of all the things you would want to do for yourself and keep them nearby so when you need them.. USE THEM!
Until next time… Be your own warrior!
Much love,
BiPolar Diva
In your YOU time you can go to Barnes and noble, get a coffee and read a book, get a massage, get your nails done, or hair cut. Even doing something to better your physical appearance will make your self esteem sky rocket! You could even take a nap, play in the park with your pup. Whatever you do.. just make sure it's what YOU want to do. We all get so lost in the hustle bustle of real life work and home life we always forget to just make sure we are taken care of and that our needs are met.
If you are too the point you are taking on too much and feeling completely overwhelmed take a step back, evaluate your situation. Don't take on too many tasks that will drown you mentally and emotionally. It will NOT help you in anyway, it will only make it worse. Pace yourself and do what workload feels comfortable for you and ONLY you. Don't compare yourself or worry yourself with anyone else. Life isn't a competition.
What Im trying to say is.. pace your work load, make time for you in between so you can recharge your mental battery and have YOU time! Don't wear yourself so thin to the point of a breakdown. Stop it before it even starts. You have the power to do that.
Now go start making a list of all the things you would want to do for yourself and keep them nearby so when you need them.. USE THEM!
Until next time… Be your own warrior!
Much love,
BiPolar Diva
Monday, February 10, 2014
Feeling Liberated
Yesterday I knew I need a fresh start…I was looking at shoulder length cuts with layers and then I decided nope. Im going to chop it off! ALL of it! I ended up cutting off 13 inches and I am going to be donating it.
My hair was down to the middle of my back and decided I wanted an edgier (punk) look and a bob/layer look. I absolutely love and and I feel so much lighter. It feels so liberating and I feel like a new me is coming out.. So watch out world! ;)
I am glad I decided to donate it because 13 inches is A LOT and I want my new beginning to be someone else's too!
Much love
BIPOLAR DIVA
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Check In...
I just wanted to check in with everyone and let you know I am still alive and well after my attack I had. I did go see my Psychologist and she immediately called my Psychiatrist and they adjusted some medication and hopefully it will help.
My nerves are still on edge and I am still coming down from the panic attack and feeling very fragile but all in all doing ok. I have an appointment tomorrow again with my psychologist to check in and make sure Im alright for the week before I see her again.
If at anytime you feel like hurting yourself or you feel you have no one and you are going down hill you need to admit yourself. There is no shame in taking a break from life and just resting your body and mind. Sometimes we all need a break from reality or our lives to just rest and relax.
I hope you are continuing to fight and be a strong warrior against your mental demons! Remember if you are having a bad day.. it's just a bad day.. NOT a bad life!
MUCH LOVE
BIPOLAR DIVA
My nerves are still on edge and I am still coming down from the panic attack and feeling very fragile but all in all doing ok. I have an appointment tomorrow again with my psychologist to check in and make sure Im alright for the week before I see her again.
If at anytime you feel like hurting yourself or you feel you have no one and you are going down hill you need to admit yourself. There is no shame in taking a break from life and just resting your body and mind. Sometimes we all need a break from reality or our lives to just rest and relax.
I hope you are continuing to fight and be a strong warrior against your mental demons! Remember if you are having a bad day.. it's just a bad day.. NOT a bad life!
MUCH LOVE
BIPOLAR DIVA
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Don't ever self destruct
Last night was horrible for me, emotionally painful and scary. I haven't felt suicidal in 5 years but it came back last night with a vengeance. It started a very emotional day as it was and I think all those emotions and every event just snow balled into each other and lead into a panic attack.
I called my husband at 5pm when I was leaving a client's house (yes I managed to see a client) I couldn't fight it anymore, I was lost, hopeless, drowning in depression and crying… I was lonely. I told him I just can't do it anymore. I can't be a mom, I can't be a wife, Im a horrible friend, (my best friend is upset with me) I guess I should also point out that my husband and I were fighting that day as well.. so I felt doubly rejected when I needed people the most and I had NO ONE. Who can or do you to turn too when the two most important people in your life won't talk too you and you want to die?? They are suppose to be the ones who talk you out of it.. but I had no one. So I felt ok.. no one will care I can do it this time. The boys will be fine, They can live with grandma and be happy as clams, no more crazy mom who yells or cries all the time.
I managed to get home without driving off a bridge or crashing into a light pole and I just collapsed onto the floor and lost it. Crying, shaking, couldn't breathe, I felt I was dying (panic attack) My husband held me. When You have a panic attack and someone you love is near have them hold you EXTREMELY tight.. it helps make the panic attack go away faster.
I managed to calm down enough and I called my Psychologist who advised me to take my anxiety and sleep meds to basically calm my nerves and knock my ass out for the night. I will be seeing her first thing this morning. She said if that didn't work I needed to get my butt to the hospital and she would meet me there. Thankful with the help of my husband, her and the meds I am still home and doing better this morning. I am still very frail this morning and feeling on edge but all in all ok.
The reason I wanted to share this with ALL of you is because I know so many people suffer from type of mental illness and want to commit suicide. Thousands of people commit suicide all the time. Please don't let yourself self destruct. If you ever feel the way I did.. GET HELP! Don't be alone.. being alone is the worst possible thing you can do.. you need to be WITH others who can keep an eye on you. Or if you can't be with others please go immediately to the ER and admit yourself. Don't give into the demons in your head.. You are a warrior who has to keep fighting! Your story isn't over yet! It may seem really really bad… but it won't last forever!
This too shall pass…..
Much Love as always!
BIPOLAR DIVA
I called my husband at 5pm when I was leaving a client's house (yes I managed to see a client) I couldn't fight it anymore, I was lost, hopeless, drowning in depression and crying… I was lonely. I told him I just can't do it anymore. I can't be a mom, I can't be a wife, Im a horrible friend, (my best friend is upset with me) I guess I should also point out that my husband and I were fighting that day as well.. so I felt doubly rejected when I needed people the most and I had NO ONE. Who can or do you to turn too when the two most important people in your life won't talk too you and you want to die?? They are suppose to be the ones who talk you out of it.. but I had no one. So I felt ok.. no one will care I can do it this time. The boys will be fine, They can live with grandma and be happy as clams, no more crazy mom who yells or cries all the time.
I managed to get home without driving off a bridge or crashing into a light pole and I just collapsed onto the floor and lost it. Crying, shaking, couldn't breathe, I felt I was dying (panic attack) My husband held me. When You have a panic attack and someone you love is near have them hold you EXTREMELY tight.. it helps make the panic attack go away faster.
I managed to calm down enough and I called my Psychologist who advised me to take my anxiety and sleep meds to basically calm my nerves and knock my ass out for the night. I will be seeing her first thing this morning. She said if that didn't work I needed to get my butt to the hospital and she would meet me there. Thankful with the help of my husband, her and the meds I am still home and doing better this morning. I am still very frail this morning and feeling on edge but all in all ok.
The reason I wanted to share this with ALL of you is because I know so many people suffer from type of mental illness and want to commit suicide. Thousands of people commit suicide all the time. Please don't let yourself self destruct. If you ever feel the way I did.. GET HELP! Don't be alone.. being alone is the worst possible thing you can do.. you need to be WITH others who can keep an eye on you. Or if you can't be with others please go immediately to the ER and admit yourself. Don't give into the demons in your head.. You are a warrior who has to keep fighting! Your story isn't over yet! It may seem really really bad… but it won't last forever!
This too shall pass…..
Much Love as always!
BIPOLAR DIVA
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