No seriously? What does it look like? I get this question a lot from wide ranges of ages. I have had the comment "You sure do laugh a lot and seem happy to suffer from BiPolar, I never would have guessed" Or I have gotten "You just don't look it, I picture someone older, heavier set, bags under their eyes from eyes and sleep loss, but you are active, playing with your kids, taking funny pictures.."
Let me tell you right now.. BiPolar doesn't make you look a certain way!! Yes I am almost 31, tall, slender build (slenderish for having kids) Yes, I laugh a lot and I am a complete dork once you get to know me. Yes I love to take dorky pictures with my friends or even selfies and put them on FB. Just because we don't let our disease take control of our life doesn't mean we don't suffer from it. If someone has been diagnosed with bipolar chances you are on a cocktail of drugs that are balancing out your moods and keeping them level. It's like having diabetes or even HIV if you are on your medication you can live a relatively normal, active, FUN, life. It doesn't mean we sit at home, crying in a dark room. (ok.. well WE do sometimes) But I think you understand what Im trying to say.
We have good days and bad days just like every other person in this world. We have days where we don't want to get out of my pj's and want to sit at home and feel sorry for ourselves and eat out of a tub of ice cream. Those days I choose to spend with it with two men.. "Ben and Jerry"
Then we have days where we feel great and want to get out and do things with our friends and family. Take those fun pictures, laugh and enjoy the times that we do feel good, because we never know how long these periods will last for. We may need those memories to help us get through the bad times when we have them again, because trust me will have them again!!
So remember not everyone looks the same. We all suffer from something going on in our lives. Whether it be finances, depression, diabetes, cancer, HIV, divorces, pain from a car accident. You just never know.. not everyone is suppose to fit into a certain category of an image. Just keep an open mind and don't judge before you walk in someone else's shoes.
MUCH LOVE WARRIORS!
BIPOLAR DIVA
Friday, January 31, 2014
Thursday, January 30, 2014
I should be getting my beauty sleep..
It's almost 10pm and I'm awake. I'm exhausted and I want to sleep but my brain will not turn off once again! My 5 month old is fast asleep next to me and I know I should be doing the same but I can't. I get so frustrated when my body is exhausted but my brain refuses to slow down for the night and just let me get some peace and quiet. These new meds I'm on are suppose to help me with this, but I'm not seeing a difference.. I know it's only been 2 1/2 weeks but I should being something, anything! I'm desperate.
There are nights I could literally cry because I just want to sleep. Do you know how it feels to just go days without sleeping but you physically can't? It's pure torture on your mind, body and emotions. It almost makes you hate yourself more because now you are saying to yourself "Why me? Why can't I just be normal and sleep?" "Why do I have to deal with this?"
So Im sitting here writing this blog and my freaking vision is going blurry and I know I should be TRYING to sleep instead stirring up thoughts in my head by writing. Im literally sitting on my queen sized bed, my son next to me sleeping, my cat curled up next to me on the other side and I'm in the dark staring at this computer screen… yeah that will help me fall asleep alright! Pfft. *rolls eyes* I know I should get off of here but I know as soon as I do I will just get on my iPhone and get on that evil app they call Pinterest!
I guess I should try at least, Lord knows this boy of mine will be up sometime throughout the night to have a bottle.. So really it's like a race against time to sleep! (Oh Im sure that helps my brain relax A LOT)
I hope you guys are sleeping good tonight!
Keep being warriors of your mental illness!
PEACE AND LOVE,
FROM THE BIPOLAR DIVA
There are nights I could literally cry because I just want to sleep. Do you know how it feels to just go days without sleeping but you physically can't? It's pure torture on your mind, body and emotions. It almost makes you hate yourself more because now you are saying to yourself "Why me? Why can't I just be normal and sleep?" "Why do I have to deal with this?"
So Im sitting here writing this blog and my freaking vision is going blurry and I know I should be TRYING to sleep instead stirring up thoughts in my head by writing. Im literally sitting on my queen sized bed, my son next to me sleeping, my cat curled up next to me on the other side and I'm in the dark staring at this computer screen… yeah that will help me fall asleep alright! Pfft. *rolls eyes* I know I should get off of here but I know as soon as I do I will just get on my iPhone and get on that evil app they call Pinterest!
I guess I should try at least, Lord knows this boy of mine will be up sometime throughout the night to have a bottle.. So really it's like a race against time to sleep! (Oh Im sure that helps my brain relax A LOT)
I hope you guys are sleeping good tonight!
Keep being warriors of your mental illness!
PEACE AND LOVE,
FROM THE BIPOLAR DIVA
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
It's A Med Head Day..
BLAH…Groggy, foggy, drowsy, sleepy and impaired. I hate having med head. I love calling it that. I actually got this term from a friend. Even my head right now is wandering and Im trying so hard to write this blog! Do you suffer from med head? I just want to go back to bed even if for just an hour.
I definitely could NOT drive a vehicle right now. It's horrible to have to deal with his because I have two boys to take care of. Being a SAHM you don't get vacation days or sick days and I NEED to be on my medication. So it brings me down mentally because I can't have normal energy but I also can't go without it. So I feel like its a catch 22. It's on of these things where I just have to make the best of it. I guess maybe thats why I have this unhealthy addiction to coffee and Diet Coke?
I have noticed if that I can sleep for even an hour or two through out the day the med will will dissipate and I can feel better and even drive a vehicle. Just remember there are always ways you can manage your disease and your medications. Nothing is worse than feeling like a zombie and having a job or kids. Remember you CAN do this though. Don't give up!
I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!
YOU ARE WARRIORS!
I definitely could NOT drive a vehicle right now. It's horrible to have to deal with his because I have two boys to take care of. Being a SAHM you don't get vacation days or sick days and I NEED to be on my medication. So it brings me down mentally because I can't have normal energy but I also can't go without it. So I feel like its a catch 22. It's on of these things where I just have to make the best of it. I guess maybe thats why I have this unhealthy addiction to coffee and Diet Coke?
I have noticed if that I can sleep for even an hour or two through out the day the med will will dissipate and I can feel better and even drive a vehicle. Just remember there are always ways you can manage your disease and your medications. Nothing is worse than feeling like a zombie and having a job or kids. Remember you CAN do this though. Don't give up!
I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!
YOU ARE WARRIORS!
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Nothing Angers Me More Than...
Someone telling me or ANYONE to just "GET OVER IT" I mean how dare you! I need to vent about this because not only have I been told this by friends, family and even complete strangers and nothing angers me more! Literally how dare you in your right mind tell someone with a debilitating disease to just get over it. Would you tell someone with Cancer to just get over it?? Would you tell someone wheel chair bound to just get up and walk?? NO.
Just because you can't physically see our disability with your eyes doesn't mean it's not there. It's known as an {Invisible Disease/Invisible Illness} We still suffer from it EVERYDAY! Some are stronger than others and some it consumes and ends their life. So make sure you figure out your words and think about what to say before you ask or talk to someone who has a mental illness because you NEVER know what will affect them. You will never know if that person just tried to commit suicide the night before, or if this person will go home and cut themselves because of YOUR comment to relieve the pressure of whats inside them, or a young woman who will go home and make herself vomit up her meal to fit into society in her HEAD. Or someone (who like myself years ago) will take more pills than they should to just dull the pain and just be able to FEEL like they are floating and weightless of their problems.. but that ONE time might be the LAST time because it might be one pill too many.
Mental Illness is REAL it's not a stigma or fake.. So please be aware of it and support someone who suffers from it because you don't know how badly we just want someone who will have our backs and be in our corner!
Until next time Warriors.. Remember I'M IN YOUR CORNER AND I SUPPORT YOU!
Just because you can't physically see our disability with your eyes doesn't mean it's not there. It's known as an {Invisible Disease/Invisible Illness} We still suffer from it EVERYDAY! Some are stronger than others and some it consumes and ends their life. So make sure you figure out your words and think about what to say before you ask or talk to someone who has a mental illness because you NEVER know what will affect them. You will never know if that person just tried to commit suicide the night before, or if this person will go home and cut themselves because of YOUR comment to relieve the pressure of whats inside them, or a young woman who will go home and make herself vomit up her meal to fit into society in her HEAD. Or someone (who like myself years ago) will take more pills than they should to just dull the pain and just be able to FEEL like they are floating and weightless of their problems.. but that ONE time might be the LAST time because it might be one pill too many.
Mental Illness is REAL it's not a stigma or fake.. So please be aware of it and support someone who suffers from it because you don't know how badly we just want someone who will have our backs and be in our corner!
Until next time Warriors.. Remember I'M IN YOUR CORNER AND I SUPPORT YOU!
Monday, January 27, 2014
Manic Monday
So it really is a manic Monday for me.. don't let that title fool you. I have on my music (earbuds) yup.. my drug of choice and I am blaring B.o.B. "Out Of My Mind" It's basically my theme song. If you haven't heard of it.. I HIGHLY recommend it if you are bipolar. Make sure to see the lyric video. <-- there goes my brain again. Ok.. BACK ON TOPIC..
Manic Monday, yes! I feel SO energized on such little sleep. I am cleaning like crazy. Maybe my name should be Molly. I could be Molly maid service. I have vacuumed, swept, mopped, and now I am feeling the need to do the kitchen. I should probably windex that sliding glass door too! Oh crap, did I forget to vacuum the floor boards?
Ever have one of those manic days where you are going 100mph physically, mentally and verbally. I am sure I will be crashing soon, I just don't know when. It can be scary to crash and not know when or how hard you will crash. So I just try to take advantage of the "high" and clean as much as I can because before I know it I will be in a mania phase and I will laid out on the couch with my kleenex box like Im watching the movie Titanic and not wanting to clean.
Well that's all the time I have right now to write to you amazing, beautiful and PRICELESS people.. but I gotta get back to cleaning because Im noticing my legs are twitching.
Until next time Mental Warriors!
KEEP FIGHTING!
Manic Monday, yes! I feel SO energized on such little sleep. I am cleaning like crazy. Maybe my name should be Molly. I could be Molly maid service. I have vacuumed, swept, mopped, and now I am feeling the need to do the kitchen. I should probably windex that sliding glass door too! Oh crap, did I forget to vacuum the floor boards?
Ever have one of those manic days where you are going 100mph physically, mentally and verbally. I am sure I will be crashing soon, I just don't know when. It can be scary to crash and not know when or how hard you will crash. So I just try to take advantage of the "high" and clean as much as I can because before I know it I will be in a mania phase and I will laid out on the couch with my kleenex box like Im watching the movie Titanic and not wanting to clean.
Well that's all the time I have right now to write to you amazing, beautiful and PRICELESS people.. but I gotta get back to cleaning because Im noticing my legs are twitching.
Until next time Mental Warriors!
KEEP FIGHTING!
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Turn off switch anyone?
So here it is 6:20am I am still groggy and drugged up from my medication I took last night. Everyone in the house is still asleep but I am wide awake and writing my blog. I would love to be back in my warm bed right now fast asleep dreaming, but unfortunately my brain will not allow that. I am already thinking of Christmas tree's for next year! <--- what?! 0_o Or what I will be doing today, I need to clean my car, vacuum the living room, Possibly taking my son to the bookstore (he loves the trains and blocks there)
I wish more than anything there was a light switch for our brains. I know people with anxiety our poor minds wander so much it's insane! <-- I use that term loosely. I know with my brain it can wander so much I can get so frustrated it can put me into a panic attack because all I want is for it to turn off. Do you know how it feels to just want your brain to turn off for at least just FIVE minutes?! You realize you have NO control over yourself and it's scary and depressing. Our brains can switch thoughts so fast onto something different and something so bizarre!
So here I am.. 6:40 now, STILL writing my blog, having coffee and yes (listening to my music) So instead of dreading being exhausted and not in bed sleeping I might as well enjoy the quietness of the house before the madness starts of my two boys.
I hope that when your mind wanders you can find a way to turn it off at least just for a little bit, these are some techniques my therapist has suggested.
1. Counting to 10 (erasing the numbers on a blackboard)
2. Music
3. Actually telling yourself to stop out loud
4. Visualizing yourself somewhere peaceful. Feeling the warmth of the sun on your skin, feeling the grass your sitting on, hearing the water fall, the birds sing. (be very detailed)
Keep trying! Don't give up!
Always remember…. Be Your Own Mental Warrior!
Until next time friends.. I will have my coffee and enjoy the peacefulness until the madness begins.
I wish more than anything there was a light switch for our brains. I know people with anxiety our poor minds wander so much it's insane! <-- I use that term loosely. I know with my brain it can wander so much I can get so frustrated it can put me into a panic attack because all I want is for it to turn off. Do you know how it feels to just want your brain to turn off for at least just FIVE minutes?! You realize you have NO control over yourself and it's scary and depressing. Our brains can switch thoughts so fast onto something different and something so bizarre!
So here I am.. 6:40 now, STILL writing my blog, having coffee and yes (listening to my music) So instead of dreading being exhausted and not in bed sleeping I might as well enjoy the quietness of the house before the madness starts of my two boys.
I hope that when your mind wanders you can find a way to turn it off at least just for a little bit, these are some techniques my therapist has suggested.
1. Counting to 10 (erasing the numbers on a blackboard)
2. Music
3. Actually telling yourself to stop out loud
4. Visualizing yourself somewhere peaceful. Feeling the warmth of the sun on your skin, feeling the grass your sitting on, hearing the water fall, the birds sing. (be very detailed)
Keep trying! Don't give up!
Always remember…. Be Your Own Mental Warrior!
Until next time friends.. I will have my coffee and enjoy the peacefulness until the madness begins.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Whats music do for you?
What's your favorite type of music? I can go from Metal, to Rock, pop to hip hop. (yes I can get crunk when no on is looking) I guess that would be during one of my manic episodes. I firmly believe that music is therapy for the soul and can help with words when we can't find the meaning to something we need to say or the meaning to feelings we can't express.
I have noticed sometimes I can get extremely frustrated if I can't listen to my music when I need/want too. So is it true.. is music a drug?? If so I guess music would be a drug of choice for me. There are days, well lets be honest.. there are NUMEROUS times throughout the day I need to put my headphones on and tune out the world and just close my eyes and the let the music go through me and just move my body. Or there are times I can relate to a song so much at that exact moment I can't stop the tears flowing. Nothing else makes me feel free and escape this world of the mental prison i'm in (unless its my xanax) I guess what Im trying to say is.. You don't necessarily NEED the drugs to make you feel good or feel like you can escape. Some read, some run or dance. You just need to find what works for YOU. Not everyone is the same. My non drug escape is my music. I literally have my iPhone attached to me with headphones in my pocket because I never know when I will need that "fix"
Use your music to help you at your darkest times to help you crawl out of that hole. Use it to make you feel powerful. To help you get through the day. Find a favorite band or a favorite artist that you can relate to. Music is an extremely powerful art form in society. Use it to your advantage.
So whether you need a good cry, to feel powerful, sexy or you just need or want to feel bootylicious do it with confidence and hold your head high! I know I do.. I get crunk!
Time to go down to electric avenue…
Until next time. Be your own mental health warrior.
I have noticed sometimes I can get extremely frustrated if I can't listen to my music when I need/want too. So is it true.. is music a drug?? If so I guess music would be a drug of choice for me. There are days, well lets be honest.. there are NUMEROUS times throughout the day I need to put my headphones on and tune out the world and just close my eyes and the let the music go through me and just move my body. Or there are times I can relate to a song so much at that exact moment I can't stop the tears flowing. Nothing else makes me feel free and escape this world of the mental prison i'm in (unless its my xanax) I guess what Im trying to say is.. You don't necessarily NEED the drugs to make you feel good or feel like you can escape. Some read, some run or dance. You just need to find what works for YOU. Not everyone is the same. My non drug escape is my music. I literally have my iPhone attached to me with headphones in my pocket because I never know when I will need that "fix"
Use your music to help you at your darkest times to help you crawl out of that hole. Use it to make you feel powerful. To help you get through the day. Find a favorite band or a favorite artist that you can relate to. Music is an extremely powerful art form in society. Use it to your advantage.
So whether you need a good cry, to feel powerful, sexy or you just need or want to feel bootylicious do it with confidence and hold your head high! I know I do.. I get crunk!
Time to go down to electric avenue…
Until next time. Be your own mental health warrior.
Friday, January 24, 2014
I guess I should introduce myself
I'm gonna be a honest here. I've had so many blogs in the past.. but I have never followed through with them or I had to sensor myself on what to say and how to say it. So now Im going to do a blog on something near and dear to me. Mental Health. I suffer from BiPolar, severe anxiety and OCD. Yup.. I have THREE! Now you're probably "wow.. does she go to therapy?" Yes.. I do. Four times a month! I also see a psychiatrist and I am on FIVE medications!
Even with all that I am a mom to boys! (a 3 year old and a 5 month old) a SAHM and a business owner on the side. I run my own Dog Training company. I have been a certified dog trainer for 2 years now and I love every minute of it. It's not nearly as stressful as being an army wife.. that's for sure.
I am going to wind down on this blog entry because low and behold my wonderful medications are kicking in and the screen is going blurry which means I need to get my medicated ass to bed! <--- If my language offends you maybe this is the blog for you.. but heck who doesn't swear?? If you don't Im sure you hear it on a regular basis from other people in this world.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this entry. It will be the first of many and I truly hope you will "like" this blog and follow it. I promise you I will be dedicated to this and do my best to make sure others know they are not alone who suffer from mental health issues. I hope to make my posts, quirky, fun and sometimes they will be a smack in the face of realistic issues I deal with on my lowest of lows. I want to share them with YOU.
Good night Warriors and keep fighting in your life with whatever you are dealing with!
Much Love
Ellen
Even with all that I am a mom to boys! (a 3 year old and a 5 month old) a SAHM and a business owner on the side. I run my own Dog Training company. I have been a certified dog trainer for 2 years now and I love every minute of it. It's not nearly as stressful as being an army wife.. that's for sure.
I am going to wind down on this blog entry because low and behold my wonderful medications are kicking in and the screen is going blurry which means I need to get my medicated ass to bed! <--- If my language offends you maybe this is the blog for you.. but heck who doesn't swear?? If you don't Im sure you hear it on a regular basis from other people in this world.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this entry. It will be the first of many and I truly hope you will "like" this blog and follow it. I promise you I will be dedicated to this and do my best to make sure others know they are not alone who suffer from mental health issues. I hope to make my posts, quirky, fun and sometimes they will be a smack in the face of realistic issues I deal with on my lowest of lows. I want to share them with YOU.
Good night Warriors and keep fighting in your life with whatever you are dealing with!
Much Love
Ellen
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